Dear Shared Heart Friends,
 

Welcome to our Accepting Very Different Families, our October 2024 Newsletter.

Autumn Couple’s Retreat  November 14-17

Would you like your relationship to reach a new level of love, healing, intimacy, and commitment? Couples describe these three-day weekends as a safe and loving place to learn and practice new skills for their relationships.

This month’s article excerpt: “In my family, the emotions were hidden. In Barry’s family, it felt like they were over-expressed.“

“A Couple of Miracles is an amazing book by two amazing humans. I was brought to tears many times. I don’t want you to miss a word of this outstanding book.”

—Susan Campbell, PhD, author of Getting Real

Semi-Finalist, Book of the Year, Online Book Club

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A Couple of Miracles: One Couple, More Than a Few Miracles, available only on Amazon.com as a Kindle e-book for only $6.95 (or paperback for $18.95). Here’s the link: A Couple of Miracles

“I would add to Joyce and Barry’s number of miracles … this book! When two health professionals, despite our training, can open their minds and consciousness to the truth of life, miracles can happen. Read this book!”

—Bernie Siegel, MD, author of Love, Medicine & Miracles

“A truly inspirational story that can open our hearts to appreciate the many miracles that can come through love, compassion, and wisdom. A real page-turner!”
—John Gray, PhD, author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus 
 
“The Vissells’ latest book, A Couple of Miracles, will bring tears to the eyes of readers: tears of joy, tears of compassion, tears of heartache, and tears of laughter. It’s got everything! Readers who are skeptical about miracles should be warned that this book could turn you into a believer! Read this book if you’re looking for pure inspiration!”
—Linda Bloom, LCSW, and Charlie Bloom, MSW, authors of 101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married

Unbelievable Book Sale: To Really Love a Woman and To Really Love a Man (each regular price $15.95) now $15 for both with free shipping; and if you buy both, as a bonus, just $3 each (and free shipping) for as many as you want of the following books: The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, Rami’s Book, Light in the Mirror, and A Mother’s Final Gift. 

Shared Heart Column
Heartfulness    October 2024
with Joyce and Barry Vissell
 
“Accepting Very Different Families”
 
The following is excerpted from Vissell’s new book, A Couple of Miracles: One Couple, More than a Few Miracles.
 
In my family, when someone talked, everyone else listened. There was respectful interest in whatever topic someone brought up. No family is perfect, however. My family had trouble accepting my sensitivity. In addition, feelings, in general, were not acceptable. When my parents were upset with each other, there was an icy silence at the dinner table. It was painful for me to feel their invisible anger.
 
On the other hand, Barry came from a loud Brooklyn Jewish family. When I first visited his family at age eighteen, I was shocked that everyone talked simultaneously. It was like stepping into the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding. It seemed to me that no one was listening to anyone. If someone wanted to be heard during a meal, they spoke louder than everyone else. But that rarely worked, for eventually, everyone seemed to be talking loudly, almost shouting. I felt intimidated. I felt like hiding in a closet. Barry did not notice this and just sat quietly, eating his meal. This was “normal” to him.
 
In my family, the emotions were hidden. In Barry’s family, it felt like they were over-expressed. There was a lot of yelling. Barry coped mostly by withdrawing like a turtle into his shell.
 
When I first met Barry’s father, Michael, he didn’t ask me the traditional questions like, “Where does your family live? What is your major in college? Do you have brothers or sisters?” Instead, he came down the stairs, shook my hand, and asked, “Do you know how to make tuna salad?”
 
I said, “Yes. My mother was a good cook and taught me from a young age.”
 
He pressed, “Please tell me how you make tuna salad.”
 
I felt embarrassed, put on the spot by someone I had just met, but I still wanted to impress.
 
“Well, I mix the tuna with mayonnaise, and maybe add some salt and pepper…”
 
I wasn’t finished, but he waved his hand dismissively and smiled, “You don’t know how to make tuna salad.” He then proceeded to explain how he made tuna salad in the next half hour, even demonstrating with an imaginary knife the special way he chopped up the celery, an important ingredient that I “forgot.”
 
That was my first contact and conversation with Barry’s dad, and I have never forgotten it. His love for food seemed strange to me at first, and his eccentricities were sometimes over the top, but I grew to love these qualities about him. He truly didn’t care what people thought about him, a quality that had its positive and negative sides. Barry seems to have inherited this particular quality, and it is one of the things I admire about him unless it embarrasses me.
 
One of Michael’s favorite things was going to the grocery store each morning. He would wake up with a list in his head. While waiting in line to pay for his groceries, he would often look at the shopping carts on both sides of him. Once, he noticed asparagus in a woman’s cart and said to her, “Excuse me, but what are you planning to do with that asparagus?”
 
She seemed at first surprised by his inquisitiveness but finally said, “I’ll probably just steam them.”
 
Again, the dismissive wave of his hand, and then, “No, not good enough! Here’s what you should do with the asparagus.” And he’d tell her, in detail, even though it was obvious that she would rather be anywhere but here in line with this strange man.
 
With Barry’s dad, the main subject of conversation during a meal was the next meal! Not only was he overweight, but he had chronic angina pain and hypertension. Barry’s mother constantly admonished him about his over-eating. Consequently, he often saw people through the filter of weight. If a particular person was brought up in conversation, his typical comment was one of two choices, “He or she has gained” or “He or she has lost.” When Barry and I visited their home, he’d appraise us and announce, “You’ve lost” or “You’ve gained.”
 
Besides his dad’s preoccupation with food itself, the kinds of foods were also strange to me. I’ll never forget my horror when we sat down to lunch during that same first visit, and yes, there was tuna salad on the table. I watched Barry’s dad take a piece of gefilte fish from a jar on the table and slide it into his mouth. With a glint in his eye, he next lifted the jar to his lips and drank the slimy gel. “Ah,” he said, putting down the jar, with the gel still clinging to his mustache, “That’s the best part of all.” He offered a piece to me, which I politely refused.
 
Barry’s mom had been a first-grade teacher for twenty years when I first met her. She loved children very much but sometimes treated her grown children as part of her first grade. The first meal I had at their house, I was politely told, with a voice that sounded like it was addressing six-year-olds, that I must wash my hands first and not to forget to use soap and scrub carefully until they were “squeaky clean.” Though surprising at first, this quality became endearing to me.

Standing from left: Barry’s uncle Ralph; Joyce’s mom Louise; Joyce
Sitting from left: Barry’s dad, Michael; Joyce’s dad, Hank; Barry’s mom, Helen; our son, John-Nuriel 
 
Both Barry and I came from loving families. But as you can see, they were different and had their own share of dysfunction. It was shocking for Barry to sit at our family table and realize that everyone else would listen to him when he spoke. He wondered if he were on a different planet.
 
Even at the age of eighteen, Barry knew that part of loving me was also loving my family. He couldn’t change how they were, so he found a way to fit in, just as I needed to do with his family. I never did learn how to make tuna salad as precisely as Barry’s dad. We eventually became vegetarians—no, not because of the experience with Barry’s dad.

Semi-Finalist, Book of the Year, Online Book Club

Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are passionate about conscious relationship and personal-spiritual growth. They are the authors of 10 books and a free audio album of sacred songs and chants. Visit SharedHeart.org for their free weekly inspirational video and monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.

 Our schedule at a glance (details below — All events are now in-person): 

November 6-10:  The Greatest Journey (Mentorship Program)
November 14-17: Autumn Couple’s Retreat 
January 3-5: Esalen Couples Retreat
February 12-16: The Couple’s Journey
March 14-16:  Men Living from the Heart
 

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Quote of the Month:

“When we heal our relationship with our parents, we are healing a deep part of ourselves, and this will enhance all our relationships.” – The Shared Heart, p. 121.

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Please join Joyce and me in holding a vision of a world where women, men, and children of all nations, races, and religions can see and feel the divine in themselves and one another. Here is our current 2024-2025 workshop schedule. Joyce and I would love to see you at one of these events. Please remember how important this spiritual-emotional growth work is. Let’s take another step into the heart of love and deeper awareness, where real-world healing begins. Peace be with you all.
 

November 6-10:  The Greatest Journey (Mentorship Program)

Find and live your dream, passion, and purpose! Individually and together with a small, carefully chosen group of 8-14 participants, these six months will help you transform your life.

November 14-17:  Autumn Couple’s Retreat 

Would you like your relationship to reach a new level of love, healing, intimacy, and commitment? Couples describe these weekends as a safe and loving place to learn and practice new skills for their relating.

January 3-5: Esalen Couples Retreat

Learn skills to dramatically improve your relationship while luxuriating at one of the most uniquely beautiful retreat centers we have ever visited.

February 12-16: The Couple’s Journey

During this four-day retreat, you will be open to more love and connection than you thought possible and have enough time to integrate these positive changes into your lives back home.

March 14-16:  Men Living from the Heart

Before we can experience intimate love, we need to connect more deeply with our hearts and other men. Come to this retreat to learn how this process works, establish meaningful friendships, and understand how and why men distract themselves from their true happiness. 

We are excited to offer our first musical recording, “I Stand for Love,” a FREE album of sacred songs and chants. You can download the whole album for free or listen to it on YouTube. Wait until you hear the exquisite harmonies added by our son, John-Nuri.

Free Album Download
Listen on YouTube

Volunteers Needed. The Shared Heart Foundation needs volunteers. If you would like to support our vision and work, no matter where you live, email info@sharedheart.org
. 
Counseling with the Vissells.  For individuals or couples who want help, you can choose from one hour to a two-day intensive with either of us. https://sharedheart.org/counseling/
 
Our love and blessings to you all,
 
Barry and Joyce Vissell
 
Please click on SharedHeart.org for inspiring articles about relationships and consciousness and our updated schedule.